Life can be as crazy. Good and sometimes bad.

Sorry I've been gone for so long.

Over the holidays things ended up getting pretty crazy. I ended up getting sick. I had a barothlin cyst that I had to go in for three different procedures for. Literally, the day before we left for our road trip to Colorado was the biggest of the procedures. I would go into details, though, I am quite sure no one wants to hear about it. haha.

Anyway, Christmas was lovely. It was so wonderful being around my family. I missed them. Especially, my sister. Visiting really helped me realize that I do want to live in Colorado again. More than anything. As the months pass my anticipation for moving grows increasingly. :)

New Years Eve and New Years day were AMAZING. It was an intense start for a new year with BIG changes. New Years Eve, we were a little torn about what to do at first. We both decided that we wanted to go out. To dress up and make a classy event out of it. Instead, it was quite the opposite. We met up with our friends Jill and Tim at this quaint Irish Pub. Drank a little went over to another couple's house; Janene and Greg. Had a little more to drink then wandered over to Alki Beach, counted down, and watched the Space Needle's fireworks. From there we opened a bottle of champagne finished that and went back to Janene and Greg's house.
New Years Day was the amazing start. :) Every year at Alki there is a tradition called the Polar Bear Plunge. At 10am sharp everyone strips down (or doesn't strip down) and jumps into the Puget Sound. This year it was only 29 degrees out!!!! I thought I was going to die. Nate and I ran in hand in hand. As we approached the water I started to slow, I didn't want to go completely under. Well, that certainly did not work out as planned. I tripped, Nate didn't let go and under we went. HAHA. It was certainly the most intense (in a good way) start to the new year.

We had so much fun we promised that from now on, when we spend a New Years in Seattle we will do the plunge. :)

After all the madness things have started to dwindle back down and we have returned to normal. Well, as normal as we can be anyway. :)

There are other events that have happened. Sad ones though. We had a beloved family member pass not to mention other family drama. Although, I don't wish to go into detail on those subjects.


I will do my best to keep things up to date :)
If you have been so kind as to read my posts, don't forget to reply. :) I love to chat and get to know people. Feel free to say hello whenever. <3

I'm questioning everything.

I love him more than anything.
He is my rock. He is my world.
He
Is
The
Best
Thing that has ever happened to me.

same with this guy.
I love him.

I love them. :)

I miss your friendship. I miss your laughter. The freckles on your face. I miss your smile. Your love. Your comfort.

I miss our long drives and late nights. I miss you reminding me that you love me. You always knew that I needed to be reminded.

I miss our talks. Our jokes. I miss how you would always pick me up while hugging me.

I miss you. I miss what we shared. The best of me was invested in our friendship.

I hope you know I hold EVERY last memory in my heart. It’s my safe spot. It’s where I go when I stare off into space. I’m sorry for whatever it was that made you distance yourself from me.

I wish you could read this and know it was you. You all along, that I invested home in. You are the only one after it all.

But mostly, I wish you knew how much I MISS you.

Finding Home.

Nathanial and I have lived together in the Pacific NW for the past three years. In August I will have lived out here four. Part of my longs to be home, in Colorado, more than anything. The other part of me doesn't want to leave.

Colorado:
Almost all of my family is there. I have my biological mother's family, my adopted family and even part of my biological father's family. All of my roots, my longest friends and the basis of the foundation of my life. Nathanial and I haven't been able to spend much time with ANY of them and I long for him to know my family and friends intimately. Not only through major family functions and events. I'm missing out on all of the beautiful events life has to offer. I missed one of my longest friend's giving birth to her first daughter, her first baby! I don't earn enough, or have enough saved to travel home for these events. Let alone being able to get time off of work and I don't want to miss these mile stones anymore.

Seattle:
The Pacific NW has helped me see through a lot of major issues. It has opened my eyes to the person I was instead of the person I should be. My adventure(s) out here haven't been the most pleasant. In fact meeting Nathanial has been the only pleasant part at all. Yet, I know there is a part of me that knows we have already started a life out here.Not to mention I feel like I haven't (completely) lost my youth out here. I have this urge to not give in yet but I miss home.

The Downside to Both:
Living in Colorado would mean spending more time with my biological mom's family. They...are BAT SHIT crazy, and I DO NOT use that lightly. They all need some MAJOR therapy but refuse to seek it and believe that unconditional love cures all. Which is admirable, but they are in fact really mentally unhealthy.
Nathanial's family, is cold and unloving. Most of his family doesn't like me. His step sister's family won't even acknowledge my existence. I keep trying to muscle through it and prove to them I'm NOT as much of a "sinner" as they think I am.

I want to have kids ya know! I don't want them to be stuck in an unaffectionate, unaccepting family. I don't want them to be around Nate's Step sister, husband or their children. If they treat me terrible I would lose my temper if they were even to treat my children the same. Though, I don't want them to be surrounded by my biological family (my racist cousins, alcoholic uncles, ect.)

Everyone reminds me, "Oh, you're young." "You two will figure it out". "You can move a lot." "You can do whatever you want."
Yes, everyone you are right. I'm just simply asking for some piece of mind. Just a tiny sliver at least.

I know you don't know the whole story. (Though, with the way my brain is churning right now I wouldn't hesitate to tell) If you were in my situation what would you do?
Have any of you ever felt like or been in something similar?
Advice? Anything?

You can always just tell me I'm crazy and to be quiet too. Ha I acknowledge it.

Sob Story

I'm in a moment in my life where it feels like everything is spinning. I can't keep my feet on the ground. I'm trying to focus on my mindset. I'm making "Positive Thoughts Attract Positive Actions" my mantra.

Though, this process has also helped me realized that some of my "friends" have really only been party friends. And I wish I was strong enough to say that finally acknowledging this hasn't effected me. It's quite the opposite actually. I'm at a point where I want them the most and they are no where to be found. (Well that's not true. I could find them at a bar or a party if I really wanted to but I don't)

I don't have the energy for the bar scene. I need to get my finances and my mental stability in order first. The bar is not where I wish to be found. I can't keep drowning away my sorrows. Not to mention the bar eats my wallet. It's like an money monger that sweet talks my wallet into opening up and just giving everything away. ...Well... that and once I start really drinking I can't stop.

I wish the people that call themselves my "friends" were friends enough to find out whats going on. Why not only I, but Nate, have been MIA.

I can hear the response I would give someone else if they were telling this story to me. "Those aren't real friends if you ask me. Sounds like you need new people in your life."
It's not like I don't know this, or don't feel it. I do.
The situation is simple, I loved them enough to call them friends. When I love, I love deep. I need to control those emotions and remember I can't expect everyone to put out what I do.

Everything I need to "know", is tucked away safely in my head. Utilizing the information is different.

"I cling because I care" -my best contribution; my worst downfall.